Tuesday 21 May 2019

Women, age and the ticking time bomb!

“So, when are you planning to get married?”, I was asked for the 126th time or was it 127th? I usually laugh away these questions but this time they came from a dear friend, so I gave it a thought. “4-5 years, maybe.”, I said after thinking for a while; “What about you? When does marriage fall in your life plan?”, I added. “Same – 4 to 5 years”, he responded. “Goodness gracious! We will be 31 by then. Damn! You would be so old, Charul”, he said.

“What do you mean by I would be so old? We would be the same age. Do women age faster than men?”, I responded with my signature eye-roll.

“I mean…you are a girl. 31 is quite old for a girl to get married but not so much for a guy”, he replied in a seemingly matter-of-factly tone.  I rebuked him and called him names, something like a patriarch, an asshole or a sexist. I think I called him a patriarchal sexist asshole.

Even though I rejected my friend’s words, the conversation with him got me thinking because he clearly reflected what a huge fraction of the Indian society believes in. The thought urged me to write this piece hoping optimistically that maybe it will drive the point home to at least 1% of my meager blog audience.

I want to start by deconstructing the famous ‘Girls mature faster than boys’ notion. This notion is highly unhealthy for young girls to be fed with.  It is popularized and even encouraged to justify women handling more emotional labor than men are ever expected to bear. Girls are conditioned into believing that they are more mature than their ‘naughty’ brother, and hence more qualified candidates to help mother with the household chores. This grows into women being expected to remember birthdays, keep the groceries stacked, organize parties and maintain family relationships.

This notion is the reason why men are often encouraged to engage in romantic relationships with much younger women(in which there is a substantial power gap) while women are often rebuked for dating men much younger to them. This notion excuses boys from being held responsible for their actions but holds women accountable from a much younger age. There is little to no scientific evidence suggesting that emotionally girls mature faster than boys. Yes, girls generally hit puberty sooner than boys but there is no substantial scientific inference to link early puberty to early emotional maturity. More than science, this is more of a gender-stereotype passed on from generations without being challenged leading to girls and boys essentially responding to behaviors that are expected of them.

Women are viewed as a declining asset whose worth post 30 in the marriage market exponentially drops. There is a constant pressure on women to figure out themselves and their career as soon as possible – there are hard deadlines imposed on schooling, college and settling down in the dream job. All of them need to be met precisely on time and there is little to no negotiation allowed in the timelines. In most Indian families, you are expected to achieve these milestones by 24; if you are from a more liberal family you may be blessed with 3 more years and if you have been extremely lucky you may be allowed to touch 29.9 but not 30…30 is blasphemy! Women bear the pressures of these deadlines from a very young age. These are not only unfair but may also restrain them from realizing their full potential and living their dreams. While men get more freedom and breathing space to achieve their goals, women are forced to accelerate their career timeline to stay relevant in the marriage market.

Another argument often sought when debating in favor of early marriage for women is that their fertility may go for a hit if they marry too late. It is important to understand that women are more than baby breeding machines and their fulfillment and happiness is more important than that of the life they will bring into this world. Their priorities and expectations out of life may be beyond having the perfect family or maybe their perfect family does not have children or maybe it has adopted children or maybe the children are produced through frozen eggs. All of these expectations and priorities are important and correct in their own regard.

Can we just let women be? I could have referenced ‘people’ but the world’s sometimes a little harsher to women, so I chose women for this article. Can we give them the space to breathe, to figure themselves out and settle down in life when they want to and not when they ought to? Marriage can wait and so can children, but personal goals and dreams cannot. If women require those three, four or how-many-ever years to be at peace with themselves, can we please stop shaming them for it?

The woods are lovely, dark and deep but can we not for once hold people accountable for the promises they never made and let them venture into the deep, dark woods to their hearts’ contentment.

15 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. It gets even worse when you agree to your parents' looking for a match for you!! *Shudders* You literally come face to face with the absolutely brutal levels of patriarchy and misogyny in the society!

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    1. I think the best we can do is to create a life that we believe we deserve and will appreciate, without giving much attention to what the society believes :)

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  3. Don’t listen to the world and follow your heart is what I say. I have a sister and I too keep hearing about her getting married ASAP from my parents and so called relatives. But I as a brother always wanted her to follow her dreams take control of life (her dream is to become a writer) than just get trapped in marriage and act according to the will of some stranger who comes in for rest of her life. Never.

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    1. I am glad you are encouraging her to pursue her dreams. However, marriage doesn't have to mean the decline one's career, ambitions or individuality. In fact, in some cases it can only help you with a support system to achieve your dreams. However, that depends on who is your life partner.

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  4. Every woman/girl can relate to this article. Society often sets deadlines for girls especially when it comes to marriage. Even in the contemporary world things haven't changed. Instead of generalising the "ideal" age limit for marriage, we should let the individual decide. The saddest thing is woman's goals/dreams /voice is not taken into consideration (most of the times). If a woman gathers her courage to talk about she's labelled and ridiculed as a "modern woman". And, even quoted as "so-called"
    Feminist (apparently, feminist is a curse word). Feminism isn't equaling with boys it's seeking deserving rights. Moreover, right to make a choice is a fundamental choice. I wish every girl and boy out there to not compromise on anything for the sake of society.

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    1. Hey Sabeeha,

      I know we have a long way to go and it's not an easy ride. Let's be the ones to stand up for our dreams and goals. The best we can do is to trust ourselves for the lives we are creating and not rely on validation from the society.

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  5. The biggest hypocrisy in this entire argument is that, everyone talks about the female fertility and how it may take a hit if you marry late. But what about the men, scientifically even their sperm quality keeps going down with age. To be blunt here, nobody wants a retarded kid. And still no one's gonna talk about the sperm. The problem must always be with the egg.

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    1. To be honest, I don't know enough about the sperm quality going down in order to comment on it. Thanks for bringing this up though. I would read up more about this. On the face of it, it just sounds like it's just more easy to control women and their choices.

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    2. This cracks me up!! @Charul, I'll save you that bit of research - yes, with age sperm count, motility and other factors which contribute to overall fertility in men are adversely affected but none of that leads to increased chances of having a child with special needs. Nothing short of mutations affect DNA and chromosomes, and the probabilities of genetic factors leading to autism do not change with parents' age.

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    3. Oh...thanks for sharing this piece of information! @Abhilash!

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  6. I think biggest hurdle is that,people are scared of their daughters being raped in this poor law and order democratic country.Apart from that every guardian knows,boys want full blossomed,mellow,submissive girl,not stubborn aged girl.So we boys need to understand that empowered girl will make their life joyful,easy and not mess.But for that boys have to be confident,able to make decisions,not succumbing to their "mumma papa".Alas!!,we have very poor education system,so momentum of change will remain slow.

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  7. Beautifully written piece..♥️

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