Sunday, 27 January 2013

I think I overthink !

I was standing on a cliff overlooking the sea with a friend. My feet slipped on it a bit, was about to fall but then he held me and I got back my balance. ‘You better stay far from the edge, because I can’t swim and if you drown in that sea…I don’t even know if I’ll jump to save you,’ he said. A seemingly harmless line. It wasn't though. It was the originator of a complex thought process in my mind.

Me: ’You wouldn't  You’d watch me drown! I would have definitely jumped to save you if you’d be drowning,’

Him: ’That’s because you know how to swim Charul, I would have jumped to save even a random person if I knew how to swim. It’s just that I know that I will in any case not be able to save you.’

Me: ‘But still, how can you just watch me die! Wouldn't you try! How can you not!’

Him: ‘Charul, you’ve lost it. Can we talk about something else. You’re not dying, okay? Stop creating stupid hypothetical situations and expect me to act like Hrithik Roshan in Kaho Na Pyar Hai. This is life. I really don’t know how I’d act. I might jump. I might not. I’d want to save you, but the fear of losing my own life may stop me from jumping. I really don’t know. Now, please stop it.’

And, then I was lost thinking about my Mr Perfect. Kept thinking and rethinking what his answer would be. Would he jump to save me, knowing that it might mean his own death. Could my life mean more to him than his own. That’s what true love is, no. It’s foolish, passionate, impractical, selfless and crazy.

I think he would jump. He should. Maybe, he won’t. Maybe, he will. I think he will. He should. I don’t know.

I think I overthink. I most certainly do. Someday, it might drive me crazy, or may be it already has. Another criteria added to the ‘must-haves’ in my Mr Perfect- ‘He must jump to save me if I’m drowning, even if he doesn't know how to swim.’

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Those tears that fell !

And, I was left there alone with misty eyes wondering what went wrong, how exactly the pieces of the jigsaw got messed up. Wasn’t it yesterday that I felt it was forever, wasn’t it yesterday that world without you ceased to exist for me, wasn’t it yesterday that you could fight the entire world to catch those tears that fell, wasn’t it yesterday that I started believing in a perfect world…in the rare possibility of it existing and me being a part of it.
 Those days seem close…yet too far. Close enough to bring back transitory smiles on my face but too far to make me feel that life could be as beautiful again.  I look around myself...the beauty of nature, the smiling faces everywhere, couples stupidly in love drowning madly into each other’s eyes…there’s this hint of envy that sweeps through me. Or maybe, I’m not sure which feeling it is…envy is an evil feeling…I shouldn’t be getting that from other’s happiness. Maybe, it’s grief, or nostalgia or maybe hurt…maybe, it reminds me of the beautiful times that were and it hurts to know that there aren’t there anymore. But, you know what…these happy faces also give a peek into the lovely past…oh, yes…those were wonderful days, truly wonderful!
 I was figuring out where exactly it went wrong. Where could have I made amends, how could have I saved it. Hopeless, futile questions! The worst part about being loved too much is the fact that you get used to it. It’s hard, very hard to accustom yourself to indifference once you’re so used to attention, that too, too much of it. But, funny thing about life is…that is doesn’t give you much of a choice.

Those things you thought you can never live without are suddenly pulled away from you one day…and you’re forced to live without them. And, the amazing thing is that eventually we learn…we learn to live without them. And, what is better, eventually we smile…we learn to smile without them. And eventually, they’d be happiness…they’d be happiness, even without them.
I’m sure it’ll happen. Eventually, it will all be fine…not perfectly. Maybe, almost-perfectly fine!